Miserable

I am miserable.

What I can’t figure out is whether or not it is temporary misery or permanent. I fear that it is permanent. I am not a quitter and I will not give in. That is not what I signed on for in this marriage.

There’s lots of arguing. I try different tactics to deal with it. It matters not.

Within the last day I finally gave up on GPSr games. I figured that was a source of problems for me. I want to go out and play, but I never can. Even when I negotiate a day, inevitably a fight will break out. I was told Saturday there was no money for me to burn gasoline on Sunday. Of course, Gert spent the day shopping.

I’ve been trying to get to Rochester for three years. I was promised for two years for my birthday and Father’s Day I could go. It never works out. I’ve been gearing up for it, but I see how things work now. I will be “abandoning” the family. Or there will be a cry of, “When do I get time alone?” or some other nonsense.

So I finally gave up on it.

I figured I can just concentrate on reading and cooking. We know there will be problems with that too, but it is what it is.

But I’ve been wanting a DSLR too. In the back of my mind there are thousands of dollars sitting there in the bank. I spent $850 on Gert for her birthday, so I was kind of hoping to purchase a camera for mine.

I knew I shouldn’t broach the topic, but I did. True to form, Gert just went off. I was extremely calm and agreed with her. That seemed to piss her off even more. It doesn’t matter what I say, I am yelled out.

I am miserable. Gert is miserable. I keep having my space curtailed, but I will keep finding my spot. Somehow God finds this struggle worthwhile. I don’t understand it, but it is what he has placed before me. I will figure it out.

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