No Magic Bullet to Stop Wanting

Having reached maximum efficiency, one might think that life is grand in the simple living world. It is. But the journey is not over. This is life and life does not end until one dies.

I may not be buried beneath stuff any longer, but struggles remain. Namely, I still want. I suspect I will always want. Is wanting a human trait? I do not know.

In recent years I have come to understand that my thoughts, mishaps, and insecurities, once thought to be uniquely mine, are what others experience too. Oh, if I had only understood that longer ago! So, I will take it that my constant wanting is something that others experience too.

It may be exasperated because I live alone and now on a 10-week holiday, but I am constantly finding myself thinking something I see, read, or hear about would be interesting to pursue. As I rebuild the blog, I am reminded of many thing I dabbled in previously that I think might be neat to revive.

It isn’t difficult at times to remind myself why I gave up on a particular pursuit. That usually is enough to get me to move on. But it is persistent. Over and over throughout the day I find that I am researching and considering other activities.

I feel like Stuart Smalley as I remind myself I don’t need anything else right now. The reality is that I have my project to focus on: this blog. The issue is that is most boring revisiting all these things. Sure, I find some things I had forgotten about and others that I have no memory of. But the shear volume of photographs is crippling. I have too many. Yes, it would be easy to delete them, but they are part of this experience. BORING.

So, I turn to YouTube for a respite. And then I begin thinking I deserve a break and should be afford myself a diversion. Who cares if I have a closetful of alcohol to mix cocktails with? Who cares if I have a box of magic to teach myself? Nope, I pursue other avenues.

I am doing pretty well at stifling those diversions. I know in the future I will take on more. When the blog is done. When I am retired. Always some time in the future.

But I am not living presently. That I know. I am holed up dealing with my digital clutter. It’s what I want to do. It keeps me out of trouble. And it keeps me from facing the fact that here at 57, after living in this community for 28 years, I have nothing to do and no one to do it with.

I’ve accepted my plight and have rationalized that it will be this way until I retire. Logic knows there is nothing magical about retirement. I won’t suddenly become a social butterfly. The only difference is that I will be in a different community, one that I don’t have to keep appearances for the sake of a job. I do have golden handcuffs. I have always felt stymied within my community and always look at the next step as a way to break free. Perhaps this time, I actually will.

In the meantime, I am hopeful not to surround myself with more stuff that I will need to address once this “last” project is completed. And to think, I was out of this project at one time.

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